I’m trying to control it but I can’t. Every single memory is flooding my brain so painfully. Things I thought I had hidden resurfacing and suffocating me. Every single time I have moved, every person I had to leave behind, each friendship ended, each piece of happiness taken away. I remember being forced to kiss a boy when I was young. I remember a man grabbing me. I remember the girl who touched me and forced me to touch her. I was only 6. Every person who didn’t want to talk to me. Every person who forgot me. I remember my sister telling me I was fat and realizing I wasn’t pretty. I remember my mom telling me when I was 8 that she was sorry for the body I ended up with. She was sorry that I couldn’t look like the other girls. She grabbed me and spun me around and said she was so sorry I couldn’t wear pretty clothes. I remember going to Goodwill and her telling the cashier that nothing fits me so there was no point buying me expensive clothes. I remember my best friend wanting to be with her other friends and I was left alone every day at lunch. The smart girl who knew everything..only good for helping on homework. I remember losing my pets. I remember my grandma deciding to buy me something because she felt bad for me. I remember dreaming of her dying and waking up in a cold horrible sweat and she died a week later, leaving me with haunting dreams every night to the point I had to leave every light and tv on in order to sleep at night. I remember the strange guy who kept approaching my best friend and I and the slow realization that he wanted something sexual from us. I was 10 years old. I remember telling my best friend to run away so he would get me instead and she did. I remember the fear of what was going to happen to me next…I remember the shame. I remember the whisper of a friend in my ear as she said goodbye. I remember not being the first choice yet I gave him a second chance, my first boyfriend. Over and over he kept wanting someone else and still I did not leave him. I remember the girls that picked on me in school. Hiding in the bathroom in order not to let anyone see me eat alone. I remember being alone. Moving and moving and forgetting and letting go and being forgotten. Leaving my happiness behind. Then being found by him. He gave me all of his love. I gave him all of mine. I remember how perfect he was and how he was better for me, better than anyone else. I remember the beautiful love, the walks in the park, the love and guidance he gave me. My fear of losing him pushed him away. Now I’m alone, with only memories haunting me. Alone and forgotten, attempting to move on, unable to escape these memories in my head. How do I forget?
"It’s no good. When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts which adds up to you got stamped ‘REJECT’ by the one you love."
— Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary. (via stevie-badass)